Ennui

ennui [ˈɒnwiː (French) ɑ̃nɥi]
n
a feeling of listlessness and general dissatisfaction resulting from lack of activity or excitement
[from French: apathy, from Old French enui annoyance, vexation; see annoy]

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

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I woke up today feeling so bored - more than bored. In the short-term, can't go out anywhere today, because I have students coming later and need to prepare lesson plans, and I'm blocked creatively, so I can't write anything constructive for my novel. On a grander scale, I have no ambition whatsover - ambition is what drove me through life until a few years ago. Now I just fill up time with hobbies, but I'm even bored of them today! The dreary drizzle outside, and thick cloud cover isn't helping either.

I was born a musician, but I feel I wasted my life on music. As soon as I could hold an instrument, every waking hour was dedicated to the pursuit of music, for thirty years. As an adult, I've always worked as a musician, working the club scene ('til the government destroyed musicians' earning potential with the smoking ban), and - quite lucratively - for record labels and studios, providing vocals to cover up for so-called talented celebrities' lack of skills, all the while hearing the bleating "Why don't you go on X Factor?" blah blah blah from the idiots. The masses harp on about how talented pop stars are, when the truth is their lack of talent is hidden by excellent production and real musicians and vocalists, both in the studio and onstage, hidden behind stage sets.

I can't even be bothered seeking new opportunities in that field right now, because it's soulless; like knowing I have to be a prostitute for the foreseeable future, bleh. Sure, the money's nice - and much needed - but I see music as an art, not a commodity, and don't respect myself when my creativity is a commodity. I need to live passionately. I was never one to think 'get good qualifications, well paid job, rich husband, two children, buy house, two cars, etc. But because I DIDN'T do that, I'm starving for a holiday and financial means to change my circumstances. I think it would be more pleasant to see someone else struggle beside me, hehe, a problem shared and all that jazz.

I have no other skills to speak of, having dedicated my life to music for the past 30yrs, so I can't get hired for a 'real' job - not that there are any jobs atm for anyone - and so I fill my time with my hobbies. It's fun, living in the moment and doing what I love, but sometimes I get bored, like I am today. Okay, saying I have no skills isn't true. I have numerous skills, just no paperwork to back them up.

I guess the main thing is knowing everything is an illusion. We're playing a game I didn't ask to join, and the other side are manipulative cheats. This knowing takes my ambition away. Success in the 'matrix' is irrelevant, really. But necessary in order to put food on the table. If I had ambition, I could strive for success, but it's of paramount importance to me to seek Truth, to explore Consciousness. My dream is to magically earn a large amount of money and buy a farm/chateau to renovate, with some livable space (or a caravan in the field!) and start a community there...somewhere warmer than England, with a stream or lake, and a well, and plenty of land to grow food on.

What to do, what to do...maybe I should seek solace in food. A full English sounds appealing.